The point is, I've always been a little different in the realm of opinion whether it's controversial or not.What I wish more than anything is that I still had that innocent pride in my "otherness" that I had when I was 7. After another mock election in 2008 (I was in middle school at the time) I learned that my single vote for Barack Obama branded me as Different from the rest of my social studies class. Now, I don't dare speak up for fear of being branded as "weird" or "LEFTEST-TUMBLR-BRAT". It's not just in politics where I feel afraid to speak my mind, it's in my classes at school too.
Yesterday my English 2010 class had a simple discussion about higher education and the pros-and cons of easily accessible education. I figured it would be fairly simple and I'd be able to contribute to the conversation quite a bit since I have a pretty strong opinion on the topic, and we were all honor students. Education is important to us, right? I barely said a word. I was overwhelmed by every one's passionate opinions and the constant use of "I disagree, so-and-so. I totally respect you and all but I DISAGREE." For some reason everyone else's passion made me feel gross and wrong about all the things I wanted to say. I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would sound stupid or spoiled or uneducated. So I said nothing, and received a C for the discussion because of a lack of participation. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell my classmates that education is a right, not a privilege. I wanted to fight and argue and participate. But I held back entirely.
The fact that I didn't speak up has been weighing heavily on me since the moment class ended. I was crying on my walk home from school because I was so angry with myself for not speaking up. My lack of self-confidence made me look like a moron who didn't do their homework before class. The whole discussion I felt my professor's eyes on me as it became increasingly more obvious that I hadn't taken my turn. I left quickly and felt stupid. Why can't I just be myself around these people? Who cares what they think of me? I ask myself that all the time but I never have an answer.
I've always felt "other". In every setting I've ever been in, and maybe that's totally normal and this is just some self-indulgent rant that everyone can role their eyes at. But I feel other in my own family. I'm far more politically charged than my parents, who will often argue with me because to them, the thing I believe are extreme. I'm too far left for most of my extended family for the most part. My friends are closer to my views, but every time we talk about the election I feel a flash of shame because I'm proud of the fact that I'm voting for Hillary Clinton. I'm ashamed that I know what I believe and it doesn't fit the mold of anyone around me. I hate that about myself. I hate that the idea of posting this is making me sick to my stomach thinking about all of the things people will say about me after they read that sentence.
I'm posting this because I'm sick of being ashamed of myself for caring about stuff. I'm sick of being scared that someone will look at me differently because of what I believe in. I just want to bee okay with who I am for once. I'm really sick of hating myself.
