The Rules of the Tunnel

I was first exposed to Ned Zeman's writing last September when he wrote a piece for Vanity Fair on Robin Williams' death and what it meant to lose a man who represented bipolar disorder, but may not have even had it. The story was elegant and I was intrigued by the angle he was going for. Next to Zeman's name on the bottom of the page, their was an ad for his 2011 memoir "The Rules of the Tunnel". Just this week I finally got around to reading it.

At first, I struggled to get attached. You see, "Rules" covers some pretty heavy subject matter. Zeman spent years severely depressed and eventually decided upon the "Treatment of Last Resort", ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). The treatment left him with severe amnesia, and this book was sort of a journalistic endeavor into the months missing from his memory. He approaches himself with a cold, cruel detachment, referring to himself in the second person throughout the entire book. At first it was irritating, but it actually added this unique touch that actually put me in his head for some of the worst of his manic and fugue states.

What I really loved about the book was the raw and honest approach to the entire ordeal. Zeman's writing style is simple, elegant, and at times oozing with self-loathing. I was struck by his willingness to "tell-all" about some very personal and embarrassing things that happened to him during this period of his life. Every failed relationship is carefully gutted and neatly displayed for the reader to judge. Cringe worthy emails to ex-girlfriends, blatant lies, and full out temper tantrums all coming from a man in his 40's. 

While he was doing ECT, Zeman was in the care of a handful of dedicated friends. His gratitude leaps off the page. My heart broke with each "I'm sorry," he had to write. He's blunt about his guilt. He knows his friends suffered in order to help him, but he also knows he wouldn't have been able to do it without them. 

All in all, I really enjoyed this book. It was intellectual, witty, and powerful. Zeman gives clinical depression a human touch that destigmatizes and informs while tugging at the far reaching corners of the heart. 

Dark Wash Denim Bossypants From The Gap

Where art thou, metaphorical denim suit??

At work the other day, I was reading my well worn copy of Tina Fey's Bossypants. It's sort of been my bible the last year or so, especially because the more I read it, the more of myself I see in her stories. In one essay, she talks about her first experience feeling like a "woman" not a girl. I am now searching for my metaphorical kick ass white denim suit that will make me feel like a powerful woman.

Anyway, I work at a golf course, so guys are always coming in and out of the clubhouse making small talk with me. I always get asked "What are you reading?" and when I showed this guy the cover he shouted, "Tina Fey! Tell me a joke. I bet you're funny!" I felt my face get hot and this weird shame creep up my neck. The guy laughed about making me blush and headed outside, but I was left there feeling dumb for no explainable reason.

So tonight I can't help but ask myself, why did his comment bug me so much? It's just a book for crying out loud. Maybe it's because I feel sort of stupid for loving her so much. Maybe I feel stupid because I not-so-secretly want to be her. (I actually just dyed my hair brown and with my glasses I look like a sickly, round faced version of Tina circa 1999. I kinda really like that.) But I actually just think it's because I replied to the golfer's "Tell me a joke! I bet you're funny!" with an awkward laugh and a strangled "Oh I'm not funny."

If you squint really hard, you can almost
maybe see a resemblance,

And that's when the shame kicked in, Because I wish I was funny. I always have for as long as I can remember. My sister has always been the funny one. When we were kids, she was obsessed with Chris Farely (the SNL love runs in our blood) and she used to do these hilarious impressions and characters. Even now, she's funny. She's that wild and free kind of funny that makes everyone want to be around her because with her, there's always fun. That's not really me. I was always too shy to be the goofy kid in class or even at home. I've always been laughing at the jokes, but never telling them. (See my earlier post about devouring books but being unable to write them.) I'm a consumer, an audience member. And deep down that really bothers me.

It bothers me that I tried to sit down and write a "comedy script" and it turned out like garbage after a million drafts and character bibles and outlines. It bothers me that I quit doing improv and taking theater classes because the fundamental rule of saying "yes and..." gave me nightmares. It bothers me that my creativity is limited to writing stuff about myself because that feels like a lame, vain, cop out.

So how do I fix it? I want to be funny and be able to write angry feminist prose that is also hilarious. (See Bossypants essays "All Girls Must Be Everything" and "Growing Up and Liking It") I suppose it's a bit early in my life to be getting so self critical. I haven't even been to college yet! Who know, maybe I can just reinvent myself and somewhere along the way I'll be funny in a way that satisfies me. Maybe a sense of humor is my white denim power suit, who knows?  For now I'll stick with self centered blogs about my existential crisis for all my family members to read and enjoy. Hi Mom!!

I will say before I go that Tina's book really has been life changing for me. It's nice to read essays from someone like me. A white girl from the suburbs that is prone to angry crying fits, is capable of horrible things (on her honeymoon, Tina's cruise ship caught on fire and her first thought was "It is going to be so sad when I run onto the lifeboats and leave my new husband to die."), and slipping into her bossypants when they are needed. She's a smart, intelligent, hilarious feminist and I am proud to call her one of my heroes.

Dear Mr. Letterman,

Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm kind of obsessed with late night talk shows. That's something that started with you when I was much to small to be watching. I only knew you in your last half. (Post heart surgery, a lot more humble, but just as goofy as ever.) Watching you became a rare treat, something only reserved for Friday nights when sleep was the enemy and you were the prize. My first memory of watching your show is fittingly bizarre. I was five years old, cuddled against my father on the couch, and Alan was writing "ASS" is bright red lipstick across his forehead. As a brand new reader, I was shocked that bad words could be written down, let alone written on your face. It was shocking, it was revolutionary, and I laughed.

Your "Sink or Float" segment always made me happy when I got to see it. I felt like a genius when I, a small girl in a tiny Utah town sitting in my living room, up way past my bedtime, guessed right and you, with your name on the theater, were wrong. 

As I grew older, my love for late night expanded. I watched you more often, Mr. Letterman, and got to know your quirks and habits. My mother would always comment on your tie each night, my dad always interested in the musical guest. I was still just in wonder of it all. Once I could stay up late enough to finish an entire episode of Late Show I started staying up even later to catch Conan's monologues on Late Night, clueless that he was starring in a show that you built. 

I was completely clueless to your importance to comedy until I got much older. My mom and dad grew up watching Late Night. It was part of their childhood just like it was a part of mine. If it weren't for you, there would be no Conan O'Brien, no way for weirdos to get their chance to shine on television. 

Mr. Letterman, I graduated high school on Wednesday. While you were taping your final show, I walked across a different stage across the country into a new time in my life. Knowing that we were both having life changing afternoons made me feel at piece. We were both entering new chapters in our lives, together but very separate. I missed your final show to go to a graduation party, but at 11:35, I thought of you. The next morning I watched your final Top Ten List, and I cried. This morning, I saw pictures of your set in the dumpster, and I cried again. I've never known a world without your show. In elementary school, I used to wake up to my local radio station replaying your Top Ten List from the night before. For about four years, I woke up to your smarmy wit each morning. (Unfortunately, it didn't really rub off on me.)

Thank you, Mr. Letterman. My entire life you've made me laugh. You've been mentioned in my poetry. You've been the subject of my rambling comedic recaps over stryrofoam lunch trays at school. Thank you for being a key part of my 18 years. Thank you for being smart and weird and willing to push the limits of what's funny and what's stupid. Thank you for making my parents laugh. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for making me jealous of Biff because I wanted his job so badly. Thank you for having a show where Paul Shaffer wore wild suits and sunglasses and the Foo Fighters were honored guests.  But most of all, Mr. Letterman, thank you for changing television.

Sincerely,

Zoey (Future librarian, or future late night talk show writer, partially thanks to you.)

Top Ten

I've been writing book reviews for the last three years on my high school newspaper. Over the years, I've written 46 reviews. With graduation a week away, I've decided to pick my favorites from that long list and share them with you. These are books that made my laugh, cry, and think. Stories that broke me, saved me, and changed me. Each and every one of them is worth the read.

10) "The Life of Pi" by Yanni Martel

This book is a modern classic. A fantastical adventure at sea between a tiger named Richard Parker, and a scared scrawny teenage boy that kept me up all night turning pages. "Pi" is magical realism at it's finest. It's one thing to blend reality and fantasy in a way that feels organic and beautiful, but Martel does so much more. He asks the reader to make a choice between reality and make believe in the end. Do we believe in this wonderful journey we spent pages invested in, or do we believe the "truth"? This is a story I could totally write an extensive AP Lit essay about.

9) "The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender" by Leslye Walton

Three generations of women that are tragically unlucky in love. The Roux women are quick to find love, but also quick to find heartbreak. Tragedy seems to follow each generation like a curse, the most peculiar of which seems to be on Ava Lavender, who was born with brown, speckled wings. The novel explores Ava's family history and how their tragic love stories created her wings and her own personal tragedy. The prose is lovely and lyrical, but the pacing is intense, even heart pounding at times. It's a strange contrast that works so well here. I was completely spellbound, finishing the entire book in a matter of hours. Just thinking about it makes me want to reread it all over again.

8) "Fangirl" by Rainbow Rowell

It's not that often that I start a book and immediately want to scream "THAT'S ME!" after the first few chapters getting to know our main character. I saw my 11th grade self in Cather. She is shy and awkward in person, but vibrant in her writing. She prefers spending the evening in her dorm room, blasting Kanye West and dancing out her anxiety rather than facing the actual world. As the story progressed, I got to see the cracks in Cath's walls and I realized they were the same ones I had. The fear of meeting new people combined with the fear of being stuck alone forever. The desire for adventure and the desire to stay at home and protect her family. She feels all these emotions at war within her, and I can see myself. "Fangirl" is clever, witty, and romantic fun with the perfect dash of anxiety. It's an honest piece of realist fiction that combines real life and Internet culture seamlessly.

7) "Dr. Bird's Advice For Sad Poets" by Evan Roskos

Mental illness isn't always taken seriously. James Whitman's parents believe that his depression isn't real, that it's just a phase. They refuse to help him pay for the therapy he desperately needs, so he creates his own imaginary one, a pigeon named Dr. Bird. Full of Walt Whitman references, delusion, and hope, this book is a force to be reckoned with. I love quirky books with a dark side, stories that blend the weird with the bad is a strange hodgepodge of tragicomedy. "Dr. Bird" is an emotional roller coaster in the best possible way.

6) "Looking For Alaska" by John Green

Over the last few years, John Green has gained in popularity and become the king of contemporary YA, for better or for worse. He gets much more flack and praise than he deserves, honestly. "Alaska" is his first novel, and in my opinion, his best. It's about a shy boy's journey to someone who can stand on his own, It's about how sometimes the why  of the matter isn't as important as we perceive it to be. On the surface, Alaska appears to be the typical "Manic Pixie Dream Girl", but she's deeper than that.She's a twist on the entire idea, Green combines religious history, death, and his signature wit perfectly. None of his other books can really compare to this gem.

5) "The Silver Linings Playbook" by Matthew Quick

Junior year, I went on a Matthew Quick binge. He's got a gift for blending the weird and the raw in really unique stories. I had seen the "Silver Linings" movie starring Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, and I was obsessed! I devoured the book in a matter of days, and loved it in a completely different way. The book and movie are not even close to the same, and that's a really great thing. The movie paints all of the characters are more sympathetic, while in the book, Pat is so naive it's frustrating. It's one of those rare cases where the movie is equally as good at the book. This is because they exist as separate entities, Quick understands that visual storytelling is different that literary storytelling, and that's so important.

4) "Please Ignore Vera Dietz" by A.S. King

A.S. King is the queen of weird. I love all of her books, so choosing one to be part of this list was like choosing a favorite child.  (That's how making this entire list felt, actually.) I eventually decided on "Vera", because it's the one I related to the most. Destiny is a common thread in all of King's stories, Her characters are constantly trying to escape a seemingly predestined fate, repeating their parents' mistakes. In this novel, Vera must try to escape her destiny, deal with her best friend's violent death, and deal with her terrible habit of drinking vodka during her pizza delivery route. I've never seen myself so well in character that's nothing like me before. This is the story that started it all when it came to my love for King;s writing. I've read almost everything that she's written ever since. I have a feeling it will get you hooked too. 

3) "I'll Give You the Sun" by Jandy Nelson

Jandy Nelson's prose is like poetry. In her second book, she carefully crafts a beautiful, lyrical story about twins Jude and Noah. Noah is an aspiring artist, his chapters tell the story of his 13th year and the tragic events it lead up to. Jude is stiff and superstitious. She uses her grandmothers book of good luck to guide her in life. Her chapters follow the twins 16th year, post tragedy. Alternating sections weave together to create suspense, magic, and mystery. It's one of the most beautifully written novels I've ever read. Art, luck, tragedy, and true love. What more could you ask for?

 

2) "All the Bright Places" by Jennifer Niven

  As stated in a previous post, this book crushed my heart into pieces, but made also made me walk on air. Finch's character was not written, but sculpted. Each quirk, each beautiful piece of his soul comes from Niven's steady, masterful hand. This book is deeply personal to her and it shows. Mental illness is depicted real, raw, and stigma free. I can't recommend it enough. This story will suck you in, swallow you whole, and spit you out a completely different person. Please, PLEASE read this lovely story. It will change your life.

1) "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chwbosky 

The summer before my sophomore year, I read this sweet, strange little book. I saw myself in Charlie, a quiet outsider always looking in, until one night at a football game he befriends a group of seniors and begins the ride of his life. Punk rock, Rocky Horror, first loves, and a boy called Nothing all shape Charlie's freshman year. By the end of the novel, he's able to step out into the world and address the darkest parts of himself. He has a support system. He's learned to come out of his shell and step out of his comfort zone. My own high school experience sort of mirrors Charlie's. I was a wallflower for most of high school. Only this year, after being forced into classes that made me voice my opinion (thank you Mr. Kreitzer and Mr. Holt) and having to be a leader, I grew more comfortable in my own skin. "Perks" is required reading for everyone starting high school. It will open your eyes and show you that life can be infinite. All you have to do is open your eyes and jump in.