Dark Wash Denim Bossypants From The Gap

Where art thou, metaphorical denim suit??

At work the other day, I was reading my well worn copy of Tina Fey's Bossypants. It's sort of been my bible the last year or so, especially because the more I read it, the more of myself I see in her stories. In one essay, she talks about her first experience feeling like a "woman" not a girl. I am now searching for my metaphorical kick ass white denim suit that will make me feel like a powerful woman.

Anyway, I work at a golf course, so guys are always coming in and out of the clubhouse making small talk with me. I always get asked "What are you reading?" and when I showed this guy the cover he shouted, "Tina Fey! Tell me a joke. I bet you're funny!" I felt my face get hot and this weird shame creep up my neck. The guy laughed about making me blush and headed outside, but I was left there feeling dumb for no explainable reason.

So tonight I can't help but ask myself, why did his comment bug me so much? It's just a book for crying out loud. Maybe it's because I feel sort of stupid for loving her so much. Maybe I feel stupid because I not-so-secretly want to be her. (I actually just dyed my hair brown and with my glasses I look like a sickly, round faced version of Tina circa 1999. I kinda really like that.) But I actually just think it's because I replied to the golfer's "Tell me a joke! I bet you're funny!" with an awkward laugh and a strangled "Oh I'm not funny."

If you squint really hard, you can almost
maybe see a resemblance,

And that's when the shame kicked in, Because I wish I was funny. I always have for as long as I can remember. My sister has always been the funny one. When we were kids, she was obsessed with Chris Farely (the SNL love runs in our blood) and she used to do these hilarious impressions and characters. Even now, she's funny. She's that wild and free kind of funny that makes everyone want to be around her because with her, there's always fun. That's not really me. I was always too shy to be the goofy kid in class or even at home. I've always been laughing at the jokes, but never telling them. (See my earlier post about devouring books but being unable to write them.) I'm a consumer, an audience member. And deep down that really bothers me.

It bothers me that I tried to sit down and write a "comedy script" and it turned out like garbage after a million drafts and character bibles and outlines. It bothers me that I quit doing improv and taking theater classes because the fundamental rule of saying "yes and..." gave me nightmares. It bothers me that my creativity is limited to writing stuff about myself because that feels like a lame, vain, cop out.

So how do I fix it? I want to be funny and be able to write angry feminist prose that is also hilarious. (See Bossypants essays "All Girls Must Be Everything" and "Growing Up and Liking It") I suppose it's a bit early in my life to be getting so self critical. I haven't even been to college yet! Who know, maybe I can just reinvent myself and somewhere along the way I'll be funny in a way that satisfies me. Maybe a sense of humor is my white denim power suit, who knows?  For now I'll stick with self centered blogs about my existential crisis for all my family members to read and enjoy. Hi Mom!!

I will say before I go that Tina's book really has been life changing for me. It's nice to read essays from someone like me. A white girl from the suburbs that is prone to angry crying fits, is capable of horrible things (on her honeymoon, Tina's cruise ship caught on fire and her first thought was "It is going to be so sad when I run onto the lifeboats and leave my new husband to die."), and slipping into her bossypants when they are needed. She's a smart, intelligent, hilarious feminist and I am proud to call her one of my heroes.