Go Ahead and Cry Little Girl, Nobody Does it Like You Do

Long time, no blog. I suppose I'm way past due for an update, so here goes nothing.

I've tried to wrote a new post for this blog so many times. My drafts are filled with abanoned rambles, rants, depressing blurbs. But nothing has felt right. It's all been me trying to hard. Often times, I think I use writing as a way to either exagerate my problems or erase them completely. That's not who I am, though, In life am hinest to a fault. blunt to the point of cruelty. (Freinds who know me well, you can confirm.)

I'm still super lost, and stuck in my head most of the time. I let myself spiral out of control and I focus too much on the terrible things in this world. With the news like it is tonight it's easy for me to hate the world. I hate that a man was murdered in front of his daughter for no reason. I hate that Utah's suicide rate is so high, I hate that Donald Trump is running for president and mass murders are happening all around us. That's what I've been doing most of the summer. Hating. Feeling bleak and lonely. I'm disapointed in the world and I am so angry at it. I'm angry at myself for things I can't control. I've been blaming myself for things that are my fault. This week, I've just reached the end. I am going to be honest and say that there has not been a day in the past two weeks that hasn't both started and ended with me in tears.

I don't want to be angry anymore. I'm sick of crying all the time. It's exhausting, I want to be as optimistic as I used to be. As fufilled as I used to be. I thought I'd use this post to talk about some of the good things going for me in my life. Even if they're petty and the world is a mess, I ned to talk about them. For the sake of my sanity.

PIERCEE
My little sister is my hero, guys. Being away from her has been so hard for me but every time I see her, I am amazed. This kid works her ass off. She is wicked smart, wicked sharp, and so brave. That girl knows what she wants. She knows what she doesn't want too, and that's even more important. Piercee has worked so hard and come so far over this last year. I am in awe of her. Her strength makes me proud. It motivates me to be better every day. I look up to her so much. I wish I had her passion, her wit, her bravery. She does things I could never do, and she's so funny. She tells this story about me that is seriously the most embarassing thing I've ever done to her. I HATE it. But when she tells the story, I still laugh every time. (Ask her about it sometime. It involves me trying to fight her, and losing in a humilating display of rage.) I am seriously so proud of Piercee and everything that she does with her life. P, you are so clever and wonderful. You keep me going.

MUSIC
I've just found a lot of great music lately, and that's really helped a ridiculous amount. Part of this is thanks to Piercee, she shows me knew bands all the time that I go crazy for. I've been listening to a lot of PWR BTTM, The Neighbourhood, The Avett Brothers, even the new Nick Jonas album, which is pretty decent despite my recent distaste for him. (Some things never change.) I've also gotten into the habit of listening to my old Jonas Brothers CDs when I'm feeling sad. It makes it easy to pretend I'm a kid again. It helps.

BOOKS
I have been in almost a year long reading slump but I'm slowly digging my way out. I just finished "The Trials of Apollo: The Hidden Oracle" by Rick Riordan, and I feel good. Itt was a light, simple, and easy read. But it was something. Enough to get me kick started. Currently, I am listening to "Glass Sword" by Victoria Aveyard, and reading "Sweetbitter" by Stephanie Danler. A guilty pleasure fantasy love triangle mess, and a very literary "beach read" that has me drawn in.

FRIENDS
You lovely humans, you know who you are. Whether it's a Pokemon Go scavenger hunt in our pajamas, a lunch date at our favorite Mexican place, running errands together, sleepovers, tarot readings, just all of it. I love you all so much and I couldn't do this without you.

MY PARENTS
I've always been super close with my parents. But moving has made us even closer, I feel. I tell them everything. They're my two best friends in the world. I call them late at night seeking advice and they always answer. They always listen. They always take me seriously even when whatever I'm upset about is actually really stupid. I'm lucky to be their kid. I don't always give them enough credit, but they are the most amazing people ever. Without them, I wouldn't be me.

So I'm gonna try my hand at optimism and see how the rest of my summer goes. (I can't guarentee I'll stop being an angry cry baby though. It's kinda become my thing.)