Turn and Face the Strange

I've always prided myself in being the kind of person who makes plans. I knew where I wanted to go to college when I was 14. I was going to go to school, pick a career, get married at age 24 and have children at 26. This is something I told myself almost everyday for five years. I rattled off this plan to my coworker one evening after he'd asked me my plans on marrying Jayson. He laugh and told me, "You can plan stuff out like that all you want. But God always has stuff in store for you that's not in the plan. My life now is not the life plan I had two years ago." I shrugged it off. Maybe his plans didn't work out but mine most certainly would. God, The Universe or whoever always threw me curve balls. Everyone gets those. But Earth shattering, life changing stuff? Not me. The Universe loved my life plan.

Of course, that's not what happened. Life decided that after months of going smoothly and happily it was time for me to get punched into another dimension. At first that's what it felt like. When I found out I was pregnant I felt reality split into two different time lines. I watched my perfect plan dissolve in front of me and turn into a big scary pile of nothingness. I panicked. I got angry. This was NOT how I'd pictured my life turning out. It wasn't that I wasn't happy or excited. There was a part of my heart that was thrilled. But for a really long time, that joy was choked out by raw fear and anger at myself and the world for not sticking to the plan.

While I write this, I feel very sick and very guilty to even admit having those feelings. I've grown a lot in the last few months and I see now that this is the right path for me no matter what anybody else thinks. I'm working very hard at not caring about how other people see me. (I'm terrible at it, but I'm trying!) This is my life, and my plan has changed quite a bit. I know it's the right plan, though. I wouldn't trade the life I have right now for anything. I know that sounds stupid and cheesy. It kind of is, but it's the truth. Stuff got sped up. That's all. I met my soul mate at 19. At 20, I'm going to be a mom. And I'm excited! I'm embracing all the crazy and loving it.

I can't wait to meet my daughter and teach her about the world. I can't wait to see the kind of dad Jayson is going to be, or the kind of mom I'll be. I've spent so much of my life being a girl with a plan and trying to be someone I'm not. Now I have the opportunity to go with the flow and try to be the best version of myself I can possibly be. That's the plan now. Embrace the insanity ("Turn and face the strange, ch-ch-changes" as David Bowie wisely sings).

I probably won't blog again until my daughter arrives, or I have another existential breakdown and/or revelation. Whichever comes first. Until next time friends! Don't forgot to listen to David Bowie when you need life advice, He was a wise man, and has guided me from beyond the grave many times.